These Tears We Cry
by Lady LaCroix
Summary: Warning: Major Spoilers for OotP. What happened after Harry left Dumbledore's office in Chapter 37? Snape tries to come to terms with events. I apologize if people seem OOC.


The characters all belong to JKR.  Please don't sue.  No infringement is intended.  
Warning: Major spoilers for Book 5.  
Summary:  Snape's response to the events at the end of Order of the Phoenix.

**  
These Tears We Cry**  
Are falling rain  
For all the lies  
You told us  
The hurt, the blame! 

  
**************

  
Harry left the Headmaster's chambers and moved morosely down the hallway toward the main part of the castle.  Stepping from behind a nearby pillar, Professor Severus Snape walked over to the gargoyle and slipped inside before it moved shut.  Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he discovered Dumbledore sitting behind his desk, writing quickly onto the parchment before him.

"Ah, Severus, I had rather suspected that you would come."

The subdued tones reflected what Severus had seen in Harry's eyes as the boy had left the office.  He sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk and waited patiently.  

Moments ticked by and the Headmaster continued to take notes.

"Sir?"

Dumbledore blinked owlishly.  "Is there a problem, Severus?"

"No, sir."

"Then, if you will excuse me, I have quite a lot of paperwork here.  It seems that Headmistress Umbridge failed to do any of it during her tenure."

Professor Snape was perplexed by Dumbledore's vagueness.  He stood and prepared to leave.  This was not the reception he had expected at all.  "Albus, what happened?"

"He's dead, Severus.  Twelve years in Azkaban couldn't kill him but it appears that Bella Lestrange could."

Severus gasped and sank back into his seat.  _No._  There were few sure things in this world but Black and his tricks were one of them.  "Surely you are mistaken…I told him to stay at Grimmauld Place."

Dumbledore looked his friend straight in the eye.  "Has he ever listened to you, Severus?  It shouldn't surprise you in the least that he went after Harry."

_Oh, Merlin.  How many nights had he wished for Black's death?_  And, now that it was at hand, only a strange emptiness filled him.  In a most un-Snape like fashion, he fidgeted under the Headmaster's unblinking gaze.  "Um, I've just realized that I left a potion boiling.  Please excuse me."

Severus fled, ignoring all semblance of dignity.  _What had he said that day at Headquarters?  Yes, that was it._  He had called Black a coward, among other things.  Well, he supposed he might…have been…mistaken.  Reaching the seventh floor, the professor hurried to the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.  Walking back and forth three times, Severus waited for the door to appear.  A quick glance around showed that hall was deserted and he swiftly yanked on the knob and entered.

Inside were not Dumbledore's toilets nor was it Potter's DADA classroom.  Instead, it contained what Snape needed most: absolute silence and many highly breakable glass objects.  Grabbing the first bottle at hand, he hurled it at the wall.  Using his wand, he wiped off an entire shelf in one sweep.  The sound of glass shattering reminded him of his youth and allowed him an outlet for the rage that he had to hide from the world.

Voldemort must never know.  Severus suspected that Dumbledore knew that he came here, but the room would never reveal it's secrets.  Three hundred and sixty-four days a year, he presented a calm if sarcastic façade.  But some days, not even the fire whiskey could help.  This looked like it was going to be one of them.  

Speaking of fire whiskey, there was a table full of alcohol.  It made such lovely sounds breaking into tiny pieces against the wall.  He knew how the bottle felt.  "Whether the stone hits the pitcher, or the pitcher hits the stone…it is going to be bad for the pitcher."  Where had he heard that before?  No matter.

Black had the ill manners to contract a serious case of death and Severus had not even been there to witness it.  At this very moment, he wasn't quite sure which irked him more: the fact that Black had died or that he hadn't had a hand in causing it.  Of course, Potter was going to be in an uproar.  Although, the boy would be going away for this summer, so it was no concern of his for another three months.

Suddenly, Severus realized that he had broken everything in the room, including the wooden tables that had supported some of the glassware.  _Better here than in the dungeons_, he thought.

A wave of exhaustion rolled over him and he gasped at its intensity.  Thing would go back to normal now – or at least as normal they ever were around here.  With Dumbledore back, Severus would have a chance to relax infinitesimally.  Right? 

Sinking to the ground, as his legs would no longer support him, the truth finally sunk in to his head.  Sirius Black was gone, just like so many others.  And as the days would turn into weeks and months, so would go more of them.  Severus held no illusions that he might see the end of the war.  If Voldemort did not get him, some overeager Auror was bound to, and then, and then…he could tell Sirius exactly what he thought of him.

Severus looked down at his hands, which he realized were wet – with blood and…sweat, no, he touched his face, tears.  He could not be crying for Sirius Black.  No, that could not be permitted.  

He wasn't crying for himself, though.  He'd shed the last of those tears long ago.  Dumbledore did not need his tears and those young fools were too ignorant to be worthy of such a gift.  So, Sirius Black it must be.

The Potions professor was not prepared to forgive the Animagus years of cruelty and abuse, but for just one brief moment, he was willing to recognize that there were things worth dying for and perhaps, perhaps, Sirius had done just that.

The End

  
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Just a little reflection on the book.  I hope you enjoyed it.  
The words are from Gollum's Song on the Two Towers soundtrack.


End file.
